Hesitancy
So, at this moment, there are exactly seven minutes before midnight, at which I turn 31. I need to get something off my mind and continue with my blog the way I intended it. Once this is done, everything else I want to talk about should come pretty easy.....
So the reason for the abrupt writer's block right after posting 4th grade is this. I was molested for many years and I do believe it started during that grade if not right before. It was not by a relative, but by my housekeeper's son. He was a few years older than me, and we went to the same elementary/junior high school, not to mention he stayed with us. I can't remember when or even how it started, but it continued for awhile.
As I said in an earlier post I think my parents must have figured out something, otherwise why the hell would they have sent me to School Counselor, because I forged their signatures on notes my teachers sent home, I think not.
As I grew older I never felt comfortable in my own skin, I never wanted to date, I always wanted to keep my friends real close, I was never comfortable with intimacy. For all these years I have been able to mask all my fears from the outside, but unable to mask them from myself.
I will never forget when I had a conversation with my mom and her friend, Susan Lowenstein, who was an extraordinary woman and psychologist. (remember I am using alias') The conversation went as follows, paint me a picture. That was it, not deep thoughts, no how are you feeling today, just paint me a picture. Not sure when this was (as you may figure out later, I will be saying that alot, my timeline is so fucked up from blocking out certain memories, that I forget when events happen and sometimes events all together), but here was/is my picture. A dark alley; the night had painted the bricks all around me a deep navy almost black color; there stood a little girl with her back to wall with a light that shone on her from the sky; she was wearing ragged clothes and had dirty hair and had a single tear that was running down her cheek. That was my picture, and that little girl was me, and there are times, that I still see her. I am not sure what Ms. Lowenstein, and my mom though at the moment, but I now finally know what it meant for myself.
Welcome to my blog!
It is now 50 minutes passed the hour that my birthday started. I am going to stop for now because as you all know, I have bootcamp in just a few hours. I said what I needed to say, in brief expect, more in depth as time passes.
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Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Day 57
Day 57
bootcamp 0500 - 0600
bootcamp 0710 - 0805
After a grueling morning bootcamp I needed to take a little bit more of a break than I usually do. So I started the next one a little later than I had planned, but since I am un-employed I could do that. I also have to say that last night I was with my trivia team and out till midnight with them. I was so hungry that I had stopped by a subway to get my $5 dollar footlong. Sounded good at the time, but when I woke up this morning at 3:30, I could still feel that $5 dollar footlong nestling around in my stomach. I had to still eat breakfast (Jenny Craig Pancakes and Vegan Sausage) because I need the energy for bootcamp, not to mention I need it to take my pill in the morning as well. Well into the middle of the first bootcamp I think it finally rested and was able to continue without the nauseousness. But that's that.
I've included a gross video of me rinsing out the sweat from my T-shirt just to give you a glimpse of just how hard I am working to make my dream come true. Enjoy, but not too much because that would be weird. Enjoy the rest of your day, I know I will :)
bootcamp 0500 - 0600
bootcamp 0710 - 0805
After a grueling morning bootcamp I needed to take a little bit more of a break than I usually do. So I started the next one a little later than I had planned, but since I am un-employed I could do that. I also have to say that last night I was with my trivia team and out till midnight with them. I was so hungry that I had stopped by a subway to get my $5 dollar footlong. Sounded good at the time, but when I woke up this morning at 3:30, I could still feel that $5 dollar footlong nestling around in my stomach. I had to still eat breakfast (Jenny Craig Pancakes and Vegan Sausage) because I need the energy for bootcamp, not to mention I need it to take my pill in the morning as well. Well into the middle of the first bootcamp I think it finally rested and was able to continue without the nauseousness. But that's that.
I've included a gross video of me rinsing out the sweat from my T-shirt just to give you a glimpse of just how hard I am working to make my dream come true. Enjoy, but not too much because that would be weird. Enjoy the rest of your day, I know I will :)
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Day 56
Day 56
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0630 - 0730
Yeah, still not getting easier. These circuits are so freakin' hard. I put my shirt on the shower curtain rod and moments later, I see it start to drip. Gross I know, but you have no idea. Good news though I now know what a side push-up is, bad news.... I now know what a side push-up is. I must say that I am surprised that I am not sore (currently knocking on wood). Even though it is difficult it is do-able, and eventually I will get better. Till tomorrow blog followers, aka Mom and Dad.
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Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0630 - 0730
Yeah, still not getting easier. These circuits are so freakin' hard. I put my shirt on the shower curtain rod and moments later, I see it start to drip. Gross I know, but you have no idea. Good news though I now know what a side push-up is, bad news.... I now know what a side push-up is. I must say that I am surprised that I am not sore (currently knocking on wood). Even though it is difficult it is do-able, and eventually I will get better. Till tomorrow blog followers, aka Mom and Dad.
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Monday to Monday Days 48 - 55
Day 48
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0600 - 0700
Jenny Craig -5 (which means I gained 6 since the first week)
So, clearly frustrated as far as weightloss, but let's face it I hardly consider this past week as an accomplishment with missing a few bootcamps here and there. As far as bootcamp goes I went to 2 of my class bootcamps, no Insanity today (which is scheduled as recovery week)
Day 49
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp N/A
I bowed out of the second bootcamp today. Not really sure what happened today. I am still a bit lazy, and I figure since it is recovery week in Insanity, if I just do my normal bootcamp, that should qualify as recovery for the second one. Like I said Lazy....but also have a huge day tomorrow.
Day 50
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
DISNEYLAND 1030 - 2130
Today is the day I go to Disneyland to celebrate one of my good friend's 40th birthday. I actually did really well today as far as eating, for I did not eat anything at Disneyland- just made myself a protein shake, one Jenny craig energy bar, 1 orange, and 1 bag of Jenny Craig popcorn, and I have to say I indulged a little and had 1 of those cream cheese filled pretzels (I know, but so good). In the day I feel pretty proud of myself, at night not so much. At the end of the day we all felt so tired, so on the way back, after dropping off all my friends, I went to pizza hut to order a pizza and chicken wings.....I had nothing all day, and I was starving and exhausted, pizza sounded so good.
Day 51
Bootcamp N/A
Bootcamp N/A
Do you honestly blame me. Disneyland was the cause of missing both bootcamps today, still so tired. All I did today was sleep......and finish the leftover pizza and chicken wings (I KNOW, bad DREW)
Day 52
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0700 - 0800
So back to a normal day today. I did the recovery exercise of bootcamp #2 and I have to say I know, now, why it is recovery. It is very slow and burns in each exercise but does not make you huff and puff like the other days. What a relief......
Day 53 Saturday....
Bootcamp N/A
Yes I took another day off. Leave me alone. I have been working my ass off (Literally) for the last month and a half or so.... This is the last day before the storm which is....... INSANITY MAX!
Day 54
Rest Day
Shut up! Yes another rest day, I get it.
Day 55
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0650 - 0750
Jenny Craig -15.8
First can I say, Holy EFFFING CRAP! Insanity Max is quite difficult. It's an hour opposed to 40-50 minutes. Each circuit feels like my shoulders are going to collapse. I feel like I am going to die! Ok now that that is done,
Jenny Craig not too shabby. I finally started losing weight again. Yay me!
Holy Crap that bootcamp hurt... Sorry for saying it again, but it really did.
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Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0600 - 0700
Jenny Craig -5 (which means I gained 6 since the first week)
So, clearly frustrated as far as weightloss, but let's face it I hardly consider this past week as an accomplishment with missing a few bootcamps here and there. As far as bootcamp goes I went to 2 of my class bootcamps, no Insanity today (which is scheduled as recovery week)
Day 49
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp N/A
I bowed out of the second bootcamp today. Not really sure what happened today. I am still a bit lazy, and I figure since it is recovery week in Insanity, if I just do my normal bootcamp, that should qualify as recovery for the second one. Like I said Lazy....but also have a huge day tomorrow.
Day 50
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
DISNEYLAND 1030 - 2130
Today is the day I go to Disneyland to celebrate one of my good friend's 40th birthday. I actually did really well today as far as eating, for I did not eat anything at Disneyland- just made myself a protein shake, one Jenny craig energy bar, 1 orange, and 1 bag of Jenny Craig popcorn, and I have to say I indulged a little and had 1 of those cream cheese filled pretzels (I know, but so good). In the day I feel pretty proud of myself, at night not so much. At the end of the day we all felt so tired, so on the way back, after dropping off all my friends, I went to pizza hut to order a pizza and chicken wings.....I had nothing all day, and I was starving and exhausted, pizza sounded so good.
Day 51
Bootcamp N/A
Bootcamp N/A
Do you honestly blame me. Disneyland was the cause of missing both bootcamps today, still so tired. All I did today was sleep......and finish the leftover pizza and chicken wings (I KNOW, bad DREW)
Day 52
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0700 - 0800
So back to a normal day today. I did the recovery exercise of bootcamp #2 and I have to say I know, now, why it is recovery. It is very slow and burns in each exercise but does not make you huff and puff like the other days. What a relief......
Day 53 Saturday....
Bootcamp N/A
Yes I took another day off. Leave me alone. I have been working my ass off (Literally) for the last month and a half or so.... This is the last day before the storm which is....... INSANITY MAX!
Day 54
Rest Day
Shut up! Yes another rest day, I get it.
Day 55
Bootcamp 0500 - 0600
Bootcamp 0650 - 0750
Jenny Craig -15.8
First can I say, Holy EFFFING CRAP! Insanity Max is quite difficult. It's an hour opposed to 40-50 minutes. Each circuit feels like my shoulders are going to collapse. I feel like I am going to die! Ok now that that is done,
Jenny Craig not too shabby. I finally started losing weight again. Yay me!
Holy Crap that bootcamp hurt... Sorry for saying it again, but it really did.
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